feminist_von

today is such a crap day. basically there's no school but in stayed i school for my slot after the gm and i was albeit freaked out of no reason. must be today's weather. the rain hasn't stopped since this morning. anyways we are supposed to do this house of horror thing for tsd but now i wonder was is gonna happen to the non-tsd people? what kind of class-cohesion is this? ok stop this random outbursts.
had a real-ly short slot with Vivienne. basically trying to see how the flowers looked on her and decided that it kinda looked like blotches of blood. symbolism. woohoo. and it was still raining. anyway went to siglap with crystal to have nice nice breakfast but killiney's is closed and that was pretty upsetting considering how i am hyped up over my half-boiled eggs. so went to Mac to join nic and christine and we had a nice nic ee breakfast, talking talking talking waiting for the darn rain to stop and finally it was reduced to a drizzle but just our luck the rain got worse before we got off the bus. so we contemplated taking a cab from the bus-stop to vj which is how loserly coz it's like walking distance? ha anyway after wasting minutes after minutes there we decided to make a dash for it since the rain was not very heavy but just our luck the rain started pouring like nobody's business and we literally bathed in the rain.
luckily i had my blacks for me to change into to dry off. decided to alter my sleeve myself and jayne helped me to take out the thread. i am clueless as to what to do and jas helped me sew up the hems. actually i haven't done anything on it seeing i dunno how to use the bloody machine and dunno what to do . well at least now i know and i know what to do with the other one. ahwell.
oh took the last part of crystal's slot to test out the costume under the red wash and the flowers still look like blood. good. why do i still feel as if there's something missing? lot more actually.
ah i wanna watch xunqingji on channel u now but no no no i might get addicted. ha. wanted to go home afterwards but the rain refused to stop. just kept going on and on and on. resorted to singing bsb songs in the workshop but i found the Lenny Kravitz song i've been looking for! muahaha. it's Again. i loved it. finally left at around 430 with rach and went to neptune court. sat around and ate noodles waiting for the rain to stop. again. talked and talked and of course, i ended up at home eventually.
ah slot tmr. i can't seem to have a complete slot with both my 2-people-crew and vivienne. ugh.

whoa
shock of the century: Gay culture comes out in conservative Singapore
er.ugh.i think i'm turning homophobic.ugh.
eh nicole kidman and lenny kravitze broke up already? how interesting. always thought they looked kinda weird. but i thought she was supposed to like marry him????

see i am supposed to be doing my pc essay now and then work on my journal which has remained stagnant for the past month but i can't i can't i just can't do that when my back is aching, my legs are aching, my stomach feels ..er..weird, my uterus is trying her best to make sure that i lie on my back for the entire freaking day. argh. my pc essay. damn. my journal. i don't even think i can make it to the lesson later. and i still have my econs test. and all i really want to do is lie on my bed like a corpse. i think i am on the verge of throwing up the two bananas i just ate. eeeeeeeeeeek.

seems like i haven't been politically correct on my blog in a long time and this shall be my pointless entry. how inane things are. i still can't believe that i actually went to school just for one hour of the pathetic interview talk. ahwell. the speaker is pretty. that's something.
after that went to Bras Basah with Charm i managed to get stuff for the costume. like needles and threads and scissors. i've got work piling up on my desk and i've gone past the point of pretending they don't exist. right now i simply live with them. like ghosts who won't disappear. i've got a donne essay, a PC essay, my costume journal and a upcoming econs test not to mention IS prelims next week. when will it end? when will it end? i can't bear to go thru the entire A level shit. i might perish before that. i need a life. i need a life. i haven't watched a movie. haven't gone shopping. haven't enjoyed a meal. it's school school school work work work first group group group now IS econs IS econs IS lit. argh!
i need to feel zen.

i'd probably just wrote something on this a while back but. whatever.
i know this entry might infuriate some people. but. whatever.
i am disgusted. by chinese pretending they aren't. what you call that. chinese. they're everywhere. all over the papers. the magazines. around you.
i don't mind you not acknowledging that you are chinese as long as you can prove that you aren't exactly, what you call that. chinese.
but please. oh please spare my poor soul from cringing at your proclamations that oooh you are proud NOT being a chinese. in other words, you are ashamed of what you are. what your parents are. what your ancestors are. see. i don't even use past tense because, they lived as chinese and died as chinese and still are, in their graves, a chinese. the dilution of the chinese culture in singapore, and globally, has been getting on my nerves lately.

what is wrong with you?

it's bad enough that you know NUTS about the culture. it's bad enough you can't even speak proper chinese. it's bad enough you can barely read a chinese book.
but please. oh please. don't deny what you are. don't say chinese things are bad. because you don't know them. you don't. you don't bother to. you don't intend to. you don't want to. you think you can blindfold yourself to what you are. bleach your skin. dye your hair. wear coloured contacts. WHATEVER. it can't change the colour of your blood. it can't change the look of your babies. chinese-y features. you chink.
you don't deserve my respect.
you disgust me on principle.
i don't even want to waste time talking to you.
you yellow-blooded loser.
it's all right that you can't speak chinese. or can't read. you'll have my respect simply by acknowledging that you are a chinese.
don't try to be what you aren't.

i love my mum
she rocks :)
she suggested that i take the march holidays to go back and stay there for that week and for those who dunno, spring in taiwan is to die for:) provided that you are like me, who can spend my days sitting at the river watching the sun set.
and since i've been harping on going-back-to-take-a-break-from-non-stop-group-IS-group crap this is exactly what i wanted!
but
i can't go back cause' who knows something might just pop up in my face and brian has to go for his eye check up on 17 march and i promised to take him to the zoo on 19th march. so Mum says i should go back during the June holidays.
which is so far away! but nvm. that's good too. since i've always only went back during winter for the past 8?9? yrs. ahwell.
i can't help but wonder who reads my blog this days. must censor what i say. for those who dunno about the read-my-blog incident pls approach me and i shall inform you of the horror story i went thru. gosh.
maybe i shall put this under friends only. or switch to diaryland. ugh. ahwell.

a slightly-happier post

i think i know why
i need a religion
something spiritual to hold on to. or something.
i've spent 1/5 of my life being skeptical and cynical and disillusioned.
i've got nothing to hold on to but myself. that's why i am extra cranky on bad days.
i dunno. if religion is only out to teach us good, why are people still hating and killing each other?
why does Bush still attack Iraq and Afghanistan?
i'm sure he has a religion, too.
argh. this is too mind-boggling. whatever it is. i've concluded.
i need a religion.
let's see. there's Islam. Christianity. Buddhism. etc. i can't think of anything else.
maybe i should just follow Confucius. save me all the trouble. ha.

oooh i watched Focus on Channel 8 for info on the upcoming presendential elections and the host obviously HASN'T done her hw! asking the wrong questions darling...
anyway i just thought the current president is shit since he 1)has NOT revive or done any solid effort to revive the economy. 2)has NOT deliver whatever he promised 3)is asking us to vote for him on the basis that we should defend taiwan. like fuck you defend my lan la. the economy like sai and u still keep ka-chiaoing china and make them attack us? have some sense you fucking asshole. i havent used so many vulgarities in one para. this shows my utter disgust and disappointment in him.

i thought lian zhan has a point since he talked about really reviving the economy and opt for peace talks. like although i never really liked him but what he says make sense la. seriously i want taiwan to be indedpendent too but you can't rush things. esp not when your economy is shit.
so he has a point here.

20 days to the election day.

i am so cranky lately. i've become this ... cranky bitchy ... person for the whole of this week. this must be the worst pms i've ever had. in my entire freaking life.
i mean, i screamed at Mr Teo today. how bad can it get?
i don't like it when i get confused. esp during lit lessons. because it's like the only subject that i can understand. well at least most of it anyway. and i get extremely irritated when my interpretation clashes coz i don't know which way to go you see. and that's damn annoying. and i absolutely detest double lit periods. i just die 2 minutes into the second period. and today teo dragged like 25 minutes into the break after lit tutorial and i simply died. or exploded. whichever way you put it.
i was rude and cranky and i said 'ya ya i get it SO ARE WE DONE ???'
of course he was pissed. he said something like whoever thinks they got it can just LEAVE.
so mel left. i left 2 secs after she disappeared.
but being the nice man he is, he actually came over after the lesson and apologized for blowing his top coz he said he was so frustrated looking at all the confused faces and of course i said sorry too for being so cranky.
i am having more and more respect for him every day man. he treats us like people, not students.
i think ive been extremely annoying over the past week too.
eh what's wrong with you la. control your temper for once.

everything just turns me off these days.
i don't think i'm a negative person.
i don't get negative because i always fear that i cannot pick myself up. once i fall.
eeeeeeek. everyone around me seems so negative now. eeeek. it's a plague. like black death.
negativity is sticking itself to everyone. almost. like flies drawn to garbage.
i like this expression.
i can't stand it anymore. problem is, i'm not even upset. just cranky.
very, very.
i need to go back. take a break. sit by danshui and watch the sun set with Mum or something. or watch the taipei night view.
like seeing stars littering the floor.
anything.
i need to do something.
i hardly do this. the callouts in my blog. i find it extremely stifled and inane. but, ahwell.

nic i hope you're feeling better. don't let it get you down. you look so much like a zombie lately that it freaks me out sometimes. esp today. you look dead. dont' stress too much. you will be fine. take it day by day and you will feel better .
have confidence dear. it's from within.
i'm here, if anything. :)