feminist_von

today is such a crap day. basically there's no school but in stayed i school for my slot after the gm and i was albeit freaked out of no reason. must be today's weather. the rain hasn't stopped since this morning. anyways we are supposed to do this house of horror thing for tsd but now i wonder was is gonna happen to the non-tsd people? what kind of class-cohesion is this? ok stop this random outbursts.
had a real-ly short slot with Vivienne. basically trying to see how the flowers looked on her and decided that it kinda looked like blotches of blood. symbolism. woohoo. and it was still raining. anyway went to siglap with crystal to have nice nice breakfast but killiney's is closed and that was pretty upsetting considering how i am hyped up over my half-boiled eggs. so went to Mac to join nic and christine and we had a nice nic ee breakfast, talking talking talking waiting for the darn rain to stop and finally it was reduced to a drizzle but just our luck the rain got worse before we got off the bus. so we contemplated taking a cab from the bus-stop to vj which is how loserly coz it's like walking distance? ha anyway after wasting minutes after minutes there we decided to make a dash for it since the rain was not very heavy but just our luck the rain started pouring like nobody's business and we literally bathed in the rain.
luckily i had my blacks for me to change into to dry off. decided to alter my sleeve myself and jayne helped me to take out the thread. i am clueless as to what to do and jas helped me sew up the hems. actually i haven't done anything on it seeing i dunno how to use the bloody machine and dunno what to do . well at least now i know and i know what to do with the other one. ahwell.
oh took the last part of crystal's slot to test out the costume under the red wash and the flowers still look like blood. good. why do i still feel as if there's something missing? lot more actually.
ah i wanna watch xunqingji on channel u now but no no no i might get addicted. ha. wanted to go home afterwards but the rain refused to stop. just kept going on and on and on. resorted to singing bsb songs in the workshop but i found the Lenny Kravitz song i've been looking for! muahaha. it's Again. i loved it. finally left at around 430 with rach and went to neptune court. sat around and ate noodles waiting for the rain to stop. again. talked and talked and of course, i ended up at home eventually.
ah slot tmr. i can't seem to have a complete slot with both my 2-people-crew and vivienne. ugh.

whoa
shock of the century: Gay culture comes out in conservative Singapore
er.ugh.i think i'm turning homophobic.ugh.
eh nicole kidman and lenny kravitze broke up already? how interesting. always thought they looked kinda weird. but i thought she was supposed to like marry him????

see i am supposed to be doing my pc essay now and then work on my journal which has remained stagnant for the past month but i can't i can't i just can't do that when my back is aching, my legs are aching, my stomach feels ..er..weird, my uterus is trying her best to make sure that i lie on my back for the entire freaking day. argh. my pc essay. damn. my journal. i don't even think i can make it to the lesson later. and i still have my econs test. and all i really want to do is lie on my bed like a corpse. i think i am on the verge of throwing up the two bananas i just ate. eeeeeeeeeeek.

seems like i haven't been politically correct on my blog in a long time and this shall be my pointless entry. how inane things are. i still can't believe that i actually went to school just for one hour of the pathetic interview talk. ahwell. the speaker is pretty. that's something.
after that went to Bras Basah with Charm i managed to get stuff for the costume. like needles and threads and scissors. i've got work piling up on my desk and i've gone past the point of pretending they don't exist. right now i simply live with them. like ghosts who won't disappear. i've got a donne essay, a PC essay, my costume journal and a upcoming econs test not to mention IS prelims next week. when will it end? when will it end? i can't bear to go thru the entire A level shit. i might perish before that. i need a life. i need a life. i haven't watched a movie. haven't gone shopping. haven't enjoyed a meal. it's school school school work work work first group group group now IS econs IS econs IS lit. argh!
i need to feel zen.

i'd probably just wrote something on this a while back but. whatever.
i know this entry might infuriate some people. but. whatever.
i am disgusted. by chinese pretending they aren't. what you call that. chinese. they're everywhere. all over the papers. the magazines. around you.
i don't mind you not acknowledging that you are chinese as long as you can prove that you aren't exactly, what you call that. chinese.
but please. oh please spare my poor soul from cringing at your proclamations that oooh you are proud NOT being a chinese. in other words, you are ashamed of what you are. what your parents are. what your ancestors are. see. i don't even use past tense because, they lived as chinese and died as chinese and still are, in their graves, a chinese. the dilution of the chinese culture in singapore, and globally, has been getting on my nerves lately.

what is wrong with you?

it's bad enough that you know NUTS about the culture. it's bad enough you can't even speak proper chinese. it's bad enough you can barely read a chinese book.
but please. oh please. don't deny what you are. don't say chinese things are bad. because you don't know them. you don't. you don't bother to. you don't intend to. you don't want to. you think you can blindfold yourself to what you are. bleach your skin. dye your hair. wear coloured contacts. WHATEVER. it can't change the colour of your blood. it can't change the look of your babies. chinese-y features. you chink.
you don't deserve my respect.
you disgust me on principle.
i don't even want to waste time talking to you.
you yellow-blooded loser.
it's all right that you can't speak chinese. or can't read. you'll have my respect simply by acknowledging that you are a chinese.
don't try to be what you aren't.

i love my mum
she rocks :)
she suggested that i take the march holidays to go back and stay there for that week and for those who dunno, spring in taiwan is to die for:) provided that you are like me, who can spend my days sitting at the river watching the sun set.
and since i've been harping on going-back-to-take-a-break-from-non-stop-group-IS-group crap this is exactly what i wanted!
but
i can't go back cause' who knows something might just pop up in my face and brian has to go for his eye check up on 17 march and i promised to take him to the zoo on 19th march. so Mum says i should go back during the June holidays.
which is so far away! but nvm. that's good too. since i've always only went back during winter for the past 8?9? yrs. ahwell.
i can't help but wonder who reads my blog this days. must censor what i say. for those who dunno about the read-my-blog incident pls approach me and i shall inform you of the horror story i went thru. gosh.
maybe i shall put this under friends only. or switch to diaryland. ugh. ahwell.

a slightly-happier post

i think i know why
i need a religion
something spiritual to hold on to. or something.
i've spent 1/5 of my life being skeptical and cynical and disillusioned.
i've got nothing to hold on to but myself. that's why i am extra cranky on bad days.
i dunno. if religion is only out to teach us good, why are people still hating and killing each other?
why does Bush still attack Iraq and Afghanistan?
i'm sure he has a religion, too.
argh. this is too mind-boggling. whatever it is. i've concluded.
i need a religion.
let's see. there's Islam. Christianity. Buddhism. etc. i can't think of anything else.
maybe i should just follow Confucius. save me all the trouble. ha.

oooh i watched Focus on Channel 8 for info on the upcoming presendential elections and the host obviously HASN'T done her hw! asking the wrong questions darling...
anyway i just thought the current president is shit since he 1)has NOT revive or done any solid effort to revive the economy. 2)has NOT deliver whatever he promised 3)is asking us to vote for him on the basis that we should defend taiwan. like fuck you defend my lan la. the economy like sai and u still keep ka-chiaoing china and make them attack us? have some sense you fucking asshole. i havent used so many vulgarities in one para. this shows my utter disgust and disappointment in him.

i thought lian zhan has a point since he talked about really reviving the economy and opt for peace talks. like although i never really liked him but what he says make sense la. seriously i want taiwan to be indedpendent too but you can't rush things. esp not when your economy is shit.
so he has a point here.

20 days to the election day.

i am so cranky lately. i've become this ... cranky bitchy ... person for the whole of this week. this must be the worst pms i've ever had. in my entire freaking life.
i mean, i screamed at Mr Teo today. how bad can it get?
i don't like it when i get confused. esp during lit lessons. because it's like the only subject that i can understand. well at least most of it anyway. and i get extremely irritated when my interpretation clashes coz i don't know which way to go you see. and that's damn annoying. and i absolutely detest double lit periods. i just die 2 minutes into the second period. and today teo dragged like 25 minutes into the break after lit tutorial and i simply died. or exploded. whichever way you put it.
i was rude and cranky and i said 'ya ya i get it SO ARE WE DONE ???'
of course he was pissed. he said something like whoever thinks they got it can just LEAVE.
so mel left. i left 2 secs after she disappeared.
but being the nice man he is, he actually came over after the lesson and apologized for blowing his top coz he said he was so frustrated looking at all the confused faces and of course i said sorry too for being so cranky.
i am having more and more respect for him every day man. he treats us like people, not students.
i think ive been extremely annoying over the past week too.
eh what's wrong with you la. control your temper for once.

everything just turns me off these days.
i don't think i'm a negative person.
i don't get negative because i always fear that i cannot pick myself up. once i fall.
eeeeeeek. everyone around me seems so negative now. eeeek. it's a plague. like black death.
negativity is sticking itself to everyone. almost. like flies drawn to garbage.
i like this expression.
i can't stand it anymore. problem is, i'm not even upset. just cranky.
very, very.
i need to go back. take a break. sit by danshui and watch the sun set with Mum or something. or watch the taipei night view.
like seeing stars littering the floor.
anything.
i need to do something.
i hardly do this. the callouts in my blog. i find it extremely stifled and inane. but, ahwell.

nic i hope you're feeling better. don't let it get you down. you look so much like a zombie lately that it freaks me out sometimes. esp today. you look dead. dont' stress too much. you will be fine. take it day by day and you will feel better .
have confidence dear. it's from within.
i'm here, if anything. :)

i know i'm not supposed to go online till Friday night but, ahwell. this is a serious situation here! i lost my wallet!
yup i usually have a wallet span of about..er..3 months? but my wallet has been with me since sec 3! that's like what? 3 yrs ago????
nevermind. easy come easy go. miracle has happened. now it's gone.
and i am so broke.
like i have 50 bucks and 20 will be spent on replacing my ezlink and 20 on bday dinner this weekend and next week i'm left with, what, 10? i still have to get my library card and my cash card. argh.

pretentious jerome.
too much bridget jones' diary you arse. isn't it a nice name. goes with pretentious. roll it round your tongue and you can feel it.
feel what. don't ask me. it's everywhere. these days.
ha. cynical me. stop that. don't go there. ugh.

the above doesn't make sense does it? ahwell. watched Odd Couple today. it isn't all that bad. only one contrived actor. the set is really nice though. make use of the entrances and exits throughout the play.
sometimes, i just get this feeling that singaporeans think any play's not good enough for them simply because they ...er, are simply too ego. or think too highly of themselves. it wasn't all that bad, darlings. let's not be so critical. the world will be a better place y'know.
no group for another 2 weeks. at least.
thank goodness.
what. of course i love my group! they're fantastic people. no i'm not being sarcastic you arse. i think we've really bonded alot over the past weeks. esp the past weeks. just felt like taking a break from group. ha. which we all are doing just that.

i am a pure-blooded chinese. 100% chinese. han ren.
it was until i came to singapore that i actually see that extremely diluted chinese culture and upbringing does exist. and i feel sad. i know. everyone's entitled to their own opinions so maybe some people feel that the western upbringing suits them better.
i am so ashamed of myself. over the fact that i actually chose to do English Literature. when i was brought up reading and learning chinese poetry and classics. when my mum brought me up thru my little Confucious book that i still have. stashed away on my bookshelf.
i am ashamed of the fact that i have never given my brother the same upbringing my mum gave me. chinese poems and books and Confucious teachings.
don't laugh. don't you laugh. this is the way i was brought up.
i found my old classics and my collection of chinese poetry stashed away on the floor last night. dust and dirt lining the edges and i thought, what have i done to myself?
why am i reading Donne and Shakespear when i can barely remember the poems by wang wei and du fu?
the ones Mum made me memorise night after night when i was like, 7?
why am i reading Waugh and Austen when the three vols of hong lou meng has never been opened since perhaps 5 yrs ago?
maybe it's my fault. maybe it's the society's. ask yourself. do you actually know what Confucious said? or do you even know who he is?
and you dare to call yourself a Chinese
how sad. how sad.
it's the society's fault. i presume. the entire dilution of culture and upbringing.
i think i should drop lit. honest. yvonne you loser. you are losing your roots.

now that that whole SC-electing ritual is starting all over again, i shall talk about my view on the SCs of VJC.

honestly i don't know them and won't or never will and don't intend to. i don't know and probsbly didn't feel what they've done for the sch. maybe except for the snack machine. and the modesty-screens in the boys' toilet. though i never got to see it and use it. obviously.

why on earth need SCs? or CT councillers? to lead the sch?

obviously it has been taken care of by our dear Mrs Chan and Ms i-don't-know-her-name-vice-principle. or is it all another way for us poor desperate lambs to get cca points? don't get me wrong. i don't hate them. i just -don't- understand them. PAP does their work because the country needs them. the society needs some people to think for them because there will be chaos if there is no govt. the SC isn't the govt. the sch admin is. so why SC?
because they act as a -link- between students and sch?
why do we need the link?
aren't we all here for A levels?
i am. and maybe tsd. on good days.
i am speaking as a fellow student of VJC. a sch-rule-abidding sch-fees-paying student of the school.
er. that i don't think we actually need any -higher- form of a student body to -lead- the school. like. the CT council even. hello. we can think for ourselves.
i find the annual sch events a ritual. so perhaps the SC was created to carry out rituals. and when the rituals gets too many, the CT council is there. how apt.
how sad.

the SCs assume we can't think for ourselves
'we think for u'. quote one. hello. i can think for myself. thank you very much. and i think i have more opinions regarding many issues than you do. i honestly believe teens shouldn't limit their -thinking- to what's best for the sch? think broad. think about the bad economy. think about the farking US election for god's sake. think about the potential of war. one day u might find war planes flying above your head whilst worrying ur arse off choreographing the new mass dance. wow.

"we are brave enough to step out and lead.". hello. it takes more than courage to lead. and talk about stepping out in bravery? anyone can. gawd. i would have. should i not turn into this disillusioned being..

'they are the servants of the sch.' honestly i pay 770 bucks per term and i expect better services than just snack machines and modesty screens, i think. the real servants are the students. slogging their lives away for the result. for the better of the state. dropping subject like flies for the better of the coporate.

so why SC? and CT? and the bloody childish House System?

honestly. this entire system only serve to infiltrate the bloody social hierachy into the community. The SCs are the elites. the powered-but-not-so-yet-we-are-still-high-up. think the big CEOs and their wives.
and CT? the vice-CEOs. and the house? upper class trying to pretend they gel with the lower class.
talk about social hierachy at its primal state.

of course. the list goes on. but i shall stop here. need my sleep to wake up tmr for my attendance and econs lecture in the morn.
of course. anything for the corporate.

ahwell
i'm feeling better today.
much, much better.
my interenet couldn't work last night so didn't update but i did type out an entry. dont know if i should upload it anymore. it's sad.
talked to jas for an hour last night and just...grieving the split. i think, i am someone who gives alot and expect the same in return. i do give alot in everything i do. and when i don't get it back, or i assume too much, this is what happens. at the workshop. the breaking down.
ha. i feel like one of the members of the boy band. you know. A1. Moffats. Hanson. BSB. Nsync. and what-nots. like Nick Carter flying solo and the rest of us are just AJ, Howie, Brian and Kevin.
actually, i think i want to be Brian. he's cute.

as i have said, i am a protective person.

i know i just updated less than half a day ago. third entry of the day. makes up for what i haven't been blogging.
really didn't say much about grp prelims.
our grp isn't perfect. i get pissed sometimes (so does everyone else). but i think, we've gone so far together. from the brainstorming to scripting to thrashing to crying/freaking out together and finally our 17 minute piece which i enjoyed playing. i dunno. i know we fight (or some of us) and things turn ugly sometimes but i am really proud of what we've done.i haven't felt this good in a long time. drained, but good. i've come to realize that work dynamics differ so much from the daily sch life which probably involve gossip-and-whatnots-and-happy-superficial-bitching.
i am glad i didn't drop tsd. i don't know what i would've missed.
the piece meant something to me. i see a piece of my late cousin in the characters. so locked away in her own little world to see that she is ill-treated. that she is abused. occasionally snapping out to conduct half-sane conversation with people who might care.
i couldn't attend her funeral.
i've never said this, but
she was my favourite.
before the car crash that took away her sanity and her memories. and the fall that took her life.
so i can take a chunk of that 17 minutes and stash it away in a box and it will remain.
just like her.

i know it's not easy for you to find time and call us ( not to mention the expensive call charge), and i want our conversation to remain pleasant with as much gratitude as i can convey through my voice. but it's impossible for you to not scold me and for me to not be upset.
hence the silence you get from my end.
don't try to be nice and pass it off as trivial after the long scolding from five minutes ago.
how can i not be upset within 1 minute?
when i give and give and all i get is this?
from you of all people.

i fell asleep the moment my head hit my pillow. i was that tired. realized how little sleep i have been getting over the past few weeks. like barely 5 hours a day. and hello i need at least 8 to 10 hours of sleep a day and i was not getting it! left me pissed and super cranky to the extreme whic was probably one of the reasons why i exploded at jas before our slot on thursday evening. my right eye was swollen and itchy and i was pissed at how tired i was and plain irritated over the fact that i am sick like right before my prelims. ugh.
how sad. i honestly have no idea what i want to do after the As. was with daph at starbucks yesterday before the exam and just talking and raelized that i dunno what i want to do.
how?
eh i'm sleepy again.

did our grp prelims today. really drained now from all the crying and freaking out during the piece. whatever it is, i really liked the piece. much better than the prison one anyway. think our grp's got it's fair share of fights and quarrels over the past month but whatever it is, it's brought us this far so
we're all still friends ya?
managed to sit through 小親親 despite the protests from my eyelids screaming to be closed. oo this is like the first Aaron Kwok movie that i actually thought was nice and trust me, i never did like any of his movies. full of macho-so-i-will-get-the-girl/save-the-day/both. yes. including para para sakura.
shan't type anymore. i am sleepy. since after grp. which was TWO in the afternoon.
am taking the weekends off. shall not think about my IS. yet

the wonders of MCs. i am free of schooling for 2 days. i am extremely awake right now thanks to the 20 hours of sleep i got over the past 2 days.
anyways i did this interesting palm reading thingy that is weird. i don't really get half the test. what baffles me the most is the results i got.
i really hate hate hate gastric flu. the damn virus attacks ur tummy and intestines instead of throat and nose. and complete with the extra bowel movements i get all the bloody time during my periods, i want nothing but dig out all kof my lower anatomy. everything out out out! i have absolutely no appetite, considering i only ate 2 apples and Ritz and peanut butter biscuits yesterday till 11 pm. then i decided to cook porridge and i only managed to finish the vegetables and 3 meatballs and a bit of rice. pathetic. pathetic.
the doctor says i might start throwing up or getting diahorrea. hello it's bad enough that my uterus is contracting. now my stomache and intestines are raging a rebellion within the confines of my body.
i hope i don't throw up soon.